i'm cutting myself with my own morals.

new new new new new new.

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 01:12:33 GMT

Changed journals. This one has too many memories.

If you enjoyed my entries, please add me at my new name 22andcounting :)

where do i go from here?

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:39:54 GMT

Derek doesn't love me anymore. He told me he wants to pursue something with the girl he was with after we broke up. Everything was fine... and then it wasn't. I don't know what happened to make him change like this, but I've lost him. And he's not coming back.

a few words to ease my mind.

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 19:19:50 GMT

I'm starting to feel myself drifting back into routine of expecting Derek to make me happy. Seeing him would make me content, and I require his attention to feel good. This is something I have to stop, before it gets too late. Obviously that never worked before... why would it work now? Moving slow is not something I'm used to doing with him and acting this way, almost to the point of obsession, is only going to scare him away. I have to learn to occupy myself, and my mind, and keep myself from clinging.

He's definitely changed in the time we have been apart. It's a good, but scary change. He doesn't show affection as often as he once did, and he almost always has his guard up around me. I miss seeing the love in his eyes, and having him randomly put his hands around me when we are out. He is definitely the dominant one in this new... relationship? that we have established. I'm not really sure how to handle moving forward with him at this point.

I've seen what trash is out there, and I've dated a few guys in the last seven months. I feel this overwhelming connection with Derek that I know I won't find elsewhere. I messed up real bad in the past, but my friend put it so plainly and simple: I didn't know how to handle finding the person I'm supposed to be with at such an early age. I freaked, I ran... I destroyed what little trust was left, and devastated the one person I never wanted to hurt. I have this opportunity to make things right, and I'm so worried I'm going to do something stupid and ruin it again.

for the record.

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 12:58:10 GMT

I am terrified of the unknown.
But I wouldn't have it any other way.

i think i'll pace my apartment a few times.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 22:12:51 GMT

How can you sit there
and tell me things
are different
when the roles are simply
reversed.
I'm always the one hurt over the "little" things.
Hence the reason I'm always the dominant one
so I can bail when things
get complicated
or when shit gets too rough to handle.
How can you sit there
and tell me I need to work on things
that my shit needs to get right
and I need to perfect myself
so that "this" can work
when you're the one tearing it down.
Picking me apart
piece by piece, chewing up my goddamn soul and spitting it
into my face.
This is the reason why I keep up my guard
and never let it down.
This is the fucking reason why I don't let people into my
heart and see what the real me is like. I don't give
my true feelings, colors, self to those trying to pry
because every time I do I get hurt.

"This" is obviously no exception and I'm just an idiot who anticipated it happening.

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 02:08:12 GMT

a good friend once told me
"you can train your mind
to believe that you're okay.
that you look fine
act fine
feel fine.
your mind will associate those feelings
into your every day life and soon you'll feel better.
you will feel okay.
you are okay!"

some days i look at myself
my body more importantly
and wonder how i got here.
i work so
incredibly
hard to sculpt
and mold
create defined lines and cuts
muscles and a strong core
and now i let it go?
over what?
quitting smoking.
gaining weight
losing muscle... all that glorious muscle i obtained
by killing my lungs
filling my throat with smoke and tar.

i want my body back.

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 02:06:25 GMT

Does anyone use Tumblr?
What are some good sites to start getting into?

Got myself a new computer to blog on, and I'm ready to get back into the action.
OH!
Any sites recommended must be followed by a link to your own.
;)

the eff.

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 22:39:02 GMT

I can't believe I missed Shia LaBeouf's "newly" (for me anyway) TAKEN status.
What's this world coming to?

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 16:23:45 GMT

oh noez! i just realized my paid account expires
5 days from today. farewell icons, and spiffy comment boxes.
hello plain,
simple,
default.

on to more important subjects. for example:
work, mi familia,
my date last night!
work is as work does. i can't complain
(actually i can)
about working. i make ends meet and have enough monies left over
to have a good time
with good people, more than once a week.
we're on a salary freeze
which in plain terms means
"we'll give you more responsibilities
give you a title
but we're not increasing your pay
vacation time
and you have to work more hours."
i've been told numerous times that if
and it's tough!
i can hold out until AFTER the freeze
they will compensate me for my amazing work ethic.
zing!

after seven months of sleeping on the couch
which i don't mind
my mom's apartment feels like home.
it was tough to move back... away from everything i came to "own"
and more importantly love.
but i'm adjusted
only to plan on moving out in the summer of two thousand and ten.

my date went swimmingly. andrew was a perfect gentleman
(he held the car door for me!)
and our conversation flowed the whole night. it is probably
the best first
date i've ever had. i laughed a lot
even though
completely out of my element i was. my surroundings were not
in any way shape or form familiar
to me, and had i been asked to direct myself towards home
i would have failed. regardless i am
anticipating the coming weekend of which i'm spending
with andrew
who i'm very much into right now.

i hope all is well with everyone; i may not
comment but i read your entries in hopes of knowing
you are well, happy, and fulfilled. :)

in other news.

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 04:13:05 GMT

I broke up with Jim.

Not sure how to feel about it at this point... but the main emotions are:
freedom relaxation anger deception

freedom: the need for Single air has become an obsession since THE ex. I was smothered
choking
cringing at his touch
felt like grabbing, pulling
pulling me into this mold of a girlfriend
that I didn't want to be in.

relaxation: I can be myself.
Love myself. I don't answer to anyone.
I can see my friends (and new men...) without a need to explain.

anger: starting over is hard to do
especially twice! in one year.
I lost two close friends in this break
which technically is with one but feels like three
and I'm afraid I can't get those persons back.

deception: these two friends and I have hung out
multiple times without the Jim.
Many laughs
car rides
dinners, drinks, fun
you name it we had it.
It was to the point where us three
would become one under one House as three roommates.
So deception you see... fits nicely when I say they are lost to me.
Gone. Not responding to my cries
or the pain of which I feel.

I have a date this Saturday with an guy I met
coincidentally through Jim
but quite by accident.
I didn't mean to like this guy as fast as I did.
No worries! I am not rushing
head first into something I cannot handle.
Slow & steady wins the race.
The connection is there
you see, if you could that is, and he is like me
in humor
music
goals. I am excited and nervous for this Saturday
although I have a feeling
everything!
will be alright.

seven months.

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 16:24:47 GMT

Even after all this time...
I still think about you.

I've never thought about an ex when I'm with a current
at least
not until now.
Jim has shown me what it's like to miss aspects of
the one you left go and truly contemplate how you came
into this mess of a relationship.
Somedays we are fine and others
not so much.

There is one good thing about Jim
that Derek never had.

It's easy to let him go.

it's been too long. but i'm not staying.

Fri, 15 May 2009 18:17:31 GMT

I've kind of disappeared off of LiveJournal.
Totally not my fault
except... my life is too crazy/busy/amazing to even consider updating as much anymore.
I miss you guys
and if you have Twitter, please follow me so that I can
keep track and what's going on in your lives.
Facebook works as well.

Hope everyone is safe, and happy.
That families are well, and things are working out.
Don't forget about me!
Love.

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 17:29:50 GMT

I don't really know what to say as far as an update goes. My life has been anything but ordinary, but to explain everything that's been going on would take forever. I'm very happy with Alec, and falling for him more and more every day. Still looking for my own place, and I want to adopt a puppy. I started tanning, and I've dropped 5lbs. I think I'm down to 125? Maybe. Hopefully. I stopped smoking, which is sort of a good thing. I miss it, but it's too expensive.

I work all the time, and when I'm not I'm with friends. I might start taking pictures when I'm oot and aboot because I miss LiveJournal.

FYI

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 16:50:14 GMT

</p>

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

oh, and by the way... i still have your virginity

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 15:48:50 GMT

I would really like to adopt:

A) Long-haired cat
B) Giant rabbit
C) Both

:]

To elaborate; means to an end

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 19:26:36 GMT

So. Life is good. I have a new boyfriend [Alec] and this relationship feels so more comfortable than mine with Derek. I spoke with said ex yesterday about the phone bill portion I owed him and when I asked if he met anyone new he proceeded to tell me he hates how I'm so happy without him and he was doing so good with not talking to me and thinking about me and then he felt like crying. So he told me he never wanted to talk to me again. Hmm. Okay.

It's really amusing to me how quickly two people that shared years together, had a place together, even bought a cat together can become enemies because of a breakup. I knew Derek wasn't the one for me... Just because I had these luxeries of my own place and a big tv and a mac I prolonged leaving. I tried so hard to rekindle the flame and the passion but nothing came out of it.

I'm now living with my mom and brother again and it seems to be working out. My ultimate goal is to get the assistant manager promotion under my belt at work and with the increased salary I should be able to live comfortably on my own. I mean, it will be hard at first because I have like NO furniture but it would be mine!

I'm sorry for not keeping up in everyones lives. I can't even go on lj at home because my mom is still on dial up. I hope everyone is alright and safe and healthy!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 00:48:17 GMT

Better post soon. I promise. :)

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 17:27:04 GMT

Everything is working out. Despite the fact that Derek called me a "fucking whore" yesterday, everything is working out.

In other news, I kind of have a new boy toy.

an update.

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 15:42:19 GMT

My mom took me back in. Thank. God. I had no place to live and she took me in. Thank you for all of your support guys. It means so much.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 11:16:54 GMT

Virtually, I am homeless. I broke up with Derek... and things are going a lot better than I thought. He is being a true gentleman about everything, and despite the fact that I am breaking his heart he still loves me unconditionally. My mom won't take me back in... so I'm stuck in this limbo of not knowing what to do. I have a bunch of friends who wouldn't mind letting me stay the night, but that's one night; not a secure place to live. I was also thinking of renting a hotel room somewhere and just hanging out there until I get this promotion. I think my salary will be sufficient then to purchase a small apartment somewhere. After all, I don't have a tv, or a computer, or a bed. I just need the space to call home.

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 22:29:01 GMT

Absolutely LOVE my new branch. Still getting lost on certain things, like where the fuck all the keys are, but obviously shit just takes time. My new manager is fantastic, and the tellers are already asking for my assistance on things. I feel like this is where I belong. :]

hahahaha.

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 22:10:27 GMT

i am so awesome.

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:43:54 GMT

ZOMG. There is a VW cruise tonightttt. It's gorgeous out, and there will be good food. EXPECT PHOTOS. Bah ha ha.

do i rely on gut's instinct, what my heart tells me, or what my brain knows.

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 22:50:39 GMT

Sagittarius and Sagittarius love compatibility
This is a remarkable, but unpredictable combination. There is always something "being prepared in their kitchen". The unpredictability that is peculiar for both may result in demonstration of the worst features. Their tireless natures will require freedom from each other sooner or later. In the bedroom they each have and open mind about sex and anything goes, even an orgy. They are like two wandering ships which can't sail together. This won't last long time but they'll be good fellows when the fun is over.

Their tireless natures will require freedom from each other sooner or later.
I don't know. I feel like history is repeating itself, and not in the cheating way. I've been feeling very questionable about my relationship for the past few weeks, and pushing past it because I know deep down I care about Derek. I just don't know if it's a care of being so familiar with someone and sharing important moments in our lives together, or of finding the one I want to be with forever love.

One more day of va-cay.

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 17:04:11 GMT

I look like I like snow. But I don't.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.